The First Draft Troll

News from the coalface.

I am studying parapsychology, and as part of that we learn that cultures across the globe construct similar legends of monsters living in deep lakes or inside mountains, mysterious creatures in forests, fantastical beings.

None of these things are real, but the First Draft Troll bloody well is.

You will not find this malicious entity in any of the textbooks, not yet, because I only just worked out that it simply must exist.

A few weeks ago, I started work on a new classic ghost story, Something Disturbed. I had good reasons to begin writing it, then I had good reasons to stop writing it, namely a kick up the arse from a writing friend who told me to put it away and crack on with the other things I really should have been doing instead.

It was sound advice, and now I am caught up with all the things I had been putting off. In my series, books one and two are published, three is with some lovely readers, four is well through the edits, and now I have formatted five so I can start editing. My first classic ghost story is with an editor (yikes! Scary new ground for me). I have printed proofs ordered and on their way, but I won’t be able to do anything with them for ages. Those of you who know the way I write will know I have to leave them alone for a month or two until I have forgotten them, or at least until I no longer remember them so well.

So I was faced with the decision of what to do next in my writing time. I could dig out the first draft of book six and get that formatted for a printed proof, but then that would mean working on four books in the same series at the same time, and there is already enough madness in the world.

The obvious thing was to carry on with Something Disturbed. When I last looked at it a few weeks ago, this was possibly the best book written by anybody, ever, since the dawn of writing itself. I know it was, I remember that very clearly, yet when I read through what I had written, something was wrong. It wasn’t well-written at all. Parts of it are simply awful and desperately need work. What the hell happened to it?

The First Draft Troll.

It is the only possible explanation.

This evil little blighter has deleted parts of the story that I know I had written, well, which I am pretty sure I must have written. I mean, I wouldn’t have left holes in the story like that.

Would I?

There is repetition all over the place, almost as if I had been in too much of a rush to get the words out of my head and onto the paper and had forgotten what I had already written. I would never be so sloppy. We are talking basic errors here people, basic errors.

The only rational explanation is some sort of malicious entity that takes a brilliant first draft and wrecks it when you are not looking. I know this must be true because this is not the first time. Indeed, now I think about it, every single first draft has been sabotaged by this thing.

Book five of my series, which I have just finished formatting from a first draft written in 2001, was exactly the same. I remember very clearly how perfect it was when I finished it with a sense of pride five years ago, but when I opened it and started reading, I honestly questioned who had written this crap. Same thing, repetition, holes in the story, repetition, things I would never have done myself.

I have heard other writers say the same thing, so that is definite proof that this little vandal exists. The big question of course, is how to get rid of it.

I take a serious and scientific approach to all matters concerning what you would call the paranormal, but in this case, I do not think we dare risk ignoring the remedies that have stood the test of time against the whole panoply of demons, trolls, and evil spirits. If you need to protect your first draft from this nasty little creature, play Carl Orff’s Carmina Burana, chant psalms in Latin, and set fire to enough sage to rival a major bush fire.

I can’t guarantee this will work, but we have to try something. This thing is pure, undiluted evil.

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